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Maulers A-Z
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A
- Ames, Iowa
The Maulers have performed in this city more times that any other community. A lawsuit has been filed by the city of Ames to remove any mention of this fact by the Maulers and Penisaurus Productions.
- Anal Probing
Nothing to do with the Maulers, just a funny thing to have written down.
- Autumn Brass
The Maulers experimental jazz album. Considered by everyone who has ever heard it to be the darkest chapter in the Maulers history. It was the subject of a mid semester class in theoretical crappiness at the Juliard School of Music. Rex Reed exclaimed, "My favorite album by these boys to date. I sense a big day at the Grammy's this year for the Maulers!"
B
- BFI Trash Receptacle
Where the Maulers first performed acapella and were discovered by Louie DeBoner.
- Bitch Pastey's Hip Hop, Flip Flop,
Wacky Doodle Robot Monster Busters Hour
The failed Saturday morning cartoon starring Mauler guitarist Bitch Pastey. Primary to the failure was that whenever Bitch was confronted with an evil doer, his first line of defense was his amazing pants wetting ability!
C
- Cerberus
The highly trained and vicious pet Koala Bear of Deryk St. Derrick. It was later discovered that Deryk had caused it viciousness by the surgical implantation of a 9 volt battery in its genitals.
- Chef Whig
The crazed Mauler fan who attends shows with a five gallon gasoline can filled with liquor and jumps onstage to bare his buttocks. He may well be the antichrist.
- Crater, Harv
The Maulers stage manager and resident pervert. Known to go to great lengths to cop a cheap feel, he is also in charge of the 17 road cases containing the Maulers extensive collection of women's undergarments.
D
- De Boner, Louis
The Maulers first manager, who was even more incompetent than current manager, Deryk St. Derrick.
- Do It Or Die Tryin' Tour
The tour that the Maulers were on immediately before the World Carnage Tour. Quite often they played 3 different venues per day and held the record for most roadies to be convicted of attempted murder in one year.
E
- Every man for himself!
What Deryk St. Derrick says when the cops show up.
F
- Forty Fuckin' Thousand Fuckin' Years!
The amount of time Peter Thruster said it would be before the band signed anything with Deryk St. Derrick's name on it again.
G
- Gerbils
A member of the rodent family. A special hairless breed has been developed in Yorkshire, England at Rob Halford's own experimental facility, at least that's what we heard.
H
- Habanero Peppers
What Slats and Alex ALLEGEDLY coated Kip Wingers cock ring with in 1985. Further information regarding this incident can be obtained from the New Mexico State Court system. Reference case #MW3452098184.
I
- Inga and Swetlana
The queens of all Mauler groupies. To date they have bore eight Mauler children: Three to Alex, and one each to the rest of the band. DNA analysis of number eight is still pending.
J
- Jewish Concentration Camps
Col. Deryk booked a series of dates there while on a bender during the Maulers exile from American soil. Crowds were slim.
- Joltin' Joe
The Maulers pyrotechnician. A graduate of Baltimore's Home for Wayward Pyromaniacs and Future Terrorists, Joe once set fire to Ted Nugent because "that Stranglehold solo is just too damn long."
- Juggs Magazine
Peter Thruster's favorite reading material and by far the dirtiest tit-mag ever produced.
K
- Klink, Colonel Wilhelm
Commander of Stalag 13 and nemesis to Hogan, Newkirk, LeBeau and Kinch.
L
- Lewinsky, Monica
Sure she's famous now, thanks to the Maulers and that backstage cigar party she attended.
- Little Bit of Peter
Seventies sitcom starring lead vocalist Peter Thruster. Here is the transcript from the only 18 seconds that actually made it to the air before the show was canceled:
Thruster (walking in door): Hello honey I'm home!
Wife: Pete, I'm glad you're home, the family next door with the four teen-aged girls have invited us over for a cookout.
Thruster (pulling out a huge dildo): I'll bring the sausage!
- Lloyd's Amphitheatre
The location of some of the Maulers biggest shows: Maulerpalooza, Maulerstock and Mauloween. The management of Lloyd's is known to be very cooperative.
M
- Magnum, Slats
The Maulers bassist and self proclaimed "rudest man alive."
- Magnum 44
The most powerful handgun in the world or the malt liquor Slats had brewed to his own specifications.
N
- No
Deryk St. Derrick's response whenever one of the band members ask him for something.
O
- O'Douls
The most foul substance ever created by man.
P
- Pastey, Leonard "Bitch"
The Maulers guitarist who is not Alex Vas Deferenz.
- Penisaurus
Many think this is just a juvenile reference to the male sex organ. In fact, a rare form of dinosaur found during a dig in Utah in 1958 was named the Penisaurus- probably because it looked like a big dick.
- Penisaurus Productions
The Maulers production company.
- Penisaurus Rex
The most feared of all Penisaurs.
Q
- Qwik Mart
What is now on the site of the old Debauchery Club where the Maulers played some of their first gigs and home of the best microwave burritos this side of anywhere.
R
- Raspberry-Kiwi
Peter Thruster's favorite douche flavor. Second choice: anything with coconut.
S
- Scorpions
Deadly creatures found in the southwest United States or five non-talented greasy krauts.
- Sieman, Vic
The first drummer of the Maulers.
- Simmons, Gene
Came to the Maulers for advice in 1972 regarding a new band he was putting together. Peter Thruster suggested that, like the Maulers, they should use pyrotechnics in their show. Slats Magnum said, "you might want to explore the possibility of wearing make up since you're so fuckin' ugly."
- Smith, Jim
No information is available on Smith, Jim.
- St. Derrick, Deryk
The Maulers manager and one of the biggest assholes on the face of the earth- whoops, he just walked in- I mean a first class human being with a heart of gold- never mind, the goatfucker's gone.
- Storch, Larry
Possibly, the most under-rated actor of all time.
T
- Thruster, Peter
Possibly, the most over-rated singer of all time.
U
- Uretha
The part of the male anatomy that Slats is really complaining about when he exclaims, "my dick burns when I piss!"
V
- Vas Deferenz, Alex
The guitarist of the Maulers that drinks the cheap wine.
- Vas Deferenz, Eddie
Alex' brother and one of the founding members of the Maulers.
- Vasectomy
The proceedure Peter Thruster was ordered to have done by a judge because he was continually late with his child support payments. To add insult to injury, the judge also decreed the operation was to be performed by Bob Vila with a rusty utility knife.
W
- World Carnage Tour
The Maulers current tour which began in 1980 and will end on December 31, 1999.
- World Cabbage Tour
What the first run of t-shirts for the tour said. Deryk St. Derrick had paid for the first two million shirts in advance and to this day they fill six floors of the Penisaurus building.
X
- X-Ray
What was taken of drummer Jim Smith when there was an inexplicable rattling from his chest. It was discovered that somehow, Jim had a carbeurator and a Zippo lighter lodged in his sternum.
Y
- YMCA
It's a little known fact that Bitch Pastey co-wrote this seventies hit with the Village People and also helps explain why, for a two month period in 1978, he dressed as a construction worker on stage.
Z
- Zipper Headed Gooks
What Peter Thruster said on stage at a show in Vietnam that caused the crowd to riot.
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